The best present.

Tuesday, February 2.

Three days since I spent time with Park, and I feel like I’ll be fine if he isn’t a big part of my life anymore. I’ve seen glimpses of him of course, since we are in the same community and have some tasks to complete together. Still, I’ve probably seen him a total 30 minutes these past few days, and I’ve spent none of that time actually conversing with him. I do feel sad when I look at him and know that we don’t have anything between us, but I’m not as heartbroken as I felt last year when I was in a position to cut off all contact with him.

I ate dinner with some of my friends after physics class today. We have this ongoing joke between a cute guy in our group, Stan, and me, since they all found out I just had my birthday a few weeks ago and that I’m legal now. He put his arms around me when we’re walking back to campus after, and I actually do feel like he has a thing for me. He does keep much of a distance when we’re talking, and he glances my way more than a friend should. He has super blue eyes. I met him over last summer, and we’ve grown closer since then. I have to admit that I sort of had a crush on him when we first met, because he is pretty cute, although Tess doesn’t think so. I totally have a type, but I’ll probably talk about all that in another post.

My sort of best friend Brian dropped me home again today, as he usually does after physics. He’s in the process of replacing Lee in my life. He gave me a belated birthday gift, and when I opened it, it was the sweetest thing ever. The first thing I saw was a teddy bear, with a bow on its neck and everything. He also got me yoshinoya coupons, a subway gift card, and one of those AMC gold tickets. Oh, and a banana. It’s probably the best, most thoughtful gift I received this year. He wrote me a card, explaining all the gifts (they’re pretty much all inside jokes), and telling me how grateful he met me. He talks about how I keep taking rain checks on a birthday dinner he promised, which I actually have been canceling on purpose lately because I feel as if he’s going to ask me out then. He reminded me that we should go snowboarding soon. He told me that all that was a gag gift when he handed me the gift wrapped box, but it was perfect. It made me think about how great of a guy he is, and why I’m not into him instead of Park. Truth be told, at that moment, I sort of didn’t feel anything for Park anymore and it made me question whether I should really straighten out everything with him or just let it fade out like it already is.

I feel quite confused about my feelings. Writing all this down now, I actually want to give this thing with Park a try. I heard my dad talk to my mom over facetime about how I went on a date with Park, and how he thinks there’s something going on there. I must have had a reason for feeling good that my mom knows, and the fact that I was the one who hinted to my mom that she should question my dad about my recent activities.

I really wish I never let this thing with Park get so far. He doesn’t treat me as well as other guys who I know fancies me. I’ve always believed that I fall for nice guys, but upon reflection, I realise that it’s not true. Park is a nice guy, but how nice is he really for calling what we’ve been doing as “hanging out” for the past few months?

Triple Date. Part 2.

Sunday, January 31.

Here’s where it gets awful:

After we went to the mall, we made out, as usual, in his car, and I sort of freaked in the middle of it. Park noticed because we stopped and hugged me and had me lying in his arms. He knows that I have something on my mind and tries to get it out of me. I didn’t want to tell him, I honestly didn’t. But at some point, I thought, what’s the harm?

So I told him. I told him that I felt like he was using me. When he said, “For what?”, I said “This.” He understood that I meant us hooking up all the time, and he whispered “I’m not” before we stayed there in silence, until we somehow decided there’s no point to us hanging out and he took me home. He didn’t look at me once the entire ride, or say anything for the matter. The only time he glanced my way was when I thanked him for the ride and spending the day with me as I opened the passenger-side door. I think he said something to me, but I’m not sure because I closed the door and proceeded to my front door.

The thing is, I know he’s not using me– he’s just not that type of guy. I told you he truly does care for me, and I can tell because of the way he acts around me. He looks at me like he likes me, more than just a friend; i catch him gazing at me all the time. He notices everything about me. He kisses my forehead a lot when we’re alone, and he makes an effort to text me, even though I know he doesn’t really like to. He takes what I say to heart; when I tell him he’s doing something wrong, he listens. But I can’t help but think in this tiny part of my brain that he doesn’t actually care for me the way I think he does. He’s never expressed it in words, and I’ve been feeling like his dirty secret. A little part of me wanted to know how he’d react to what I said.

The bigger part of me, wanted to instigate a conversation with him, where we talked about everything. You know, “the talk.” As you can probably tell, it didn’t go so well. I guess watching and hearing Tess and her boyfriend got me sort of insecure. I thought maybe this was how American relationships work– you eased into it rather than defining everything from the beginning. But it wasn’t that way for Tess. Her boyfriend wanted her and made her his just like that. I know that things aren’t the same for everyone, but it still hurt the way that my love life has turned out. I suspect that’s why I did the passive-aggressive thing and said that even though I didn’t mean it. But it’s too late to back off now.

An hour after I got home, I received a text from Park. I was waiting for it. I know he would apologize.

Sorry for coming off as that sort of guy. I guess from the recent activities we were doing it’s safe to assume that was my original intent. But honestly I didn’t mean it like that.

I replied with a curt “I know”.

To be honest, I’m not satisfied with his apology. I noticed that he never says the right thing. The word “recent” bothered me a lot. It isn’t just the recent stuff that made me think he was using me. It’s how it all started. We kissed when I didn’t really like him and he didn’t care about me. We started hooking up and when I asked what we’re doing, he replied with “just hanging out”. I get that he’s starting to care a lot more for me now, but it doesn’t change the fact that everything we’re doing is tainted by how it all started, and because of that on some subconscious level, it just feels wrong.

He hasn’t replied that text or tried to contact me since then, and at first it was bugging me, and that’s why I started telling this story. But now that I’ve let all of these feelings out, I kind of feel like it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t, because whatever I was doing with Park is over unless we straighten things out.

I mean it this time, I really do.

Triple Date. Part 1.

Sunday, January 31.

This story comes in two parts, because I have a lot on my mind and it’s too long for one post, so here goes:

Apparently, sometime over winter break, my best girlfriend Tess got a boyfriend. She decided that this was privileged information and kept it from everyone. She fessed up this past week and thought it would be a great idea to have a triple date with Cassie in our girly trio and our boyfriends, so we can get to know her boyfriend. Park isn’t my boyfriend, and they have no idea that we’ve been hooking up, but they think we look good together and so they told me to invite him to come. Park, of course, obliged. I feel like he’s up for anything if I ask.

Park was late, as usual, but I chose to ride with him anyway, because I wanted to spend time with him. When we got to the place and I walked ahead, he asked me for the hug I claimed to not have gotten the night before. I hugged him, feeling giddy knowing that my friends were just a few mere feet away. He held my hand as we walked up to the door, and asked me what my friends would think if we walked in with my hand in his. He caught me off guard. I looked at him like he was crazy, telling him that Tess has a blabbermouth. That was my first mistake– I should have walked in that way.

The lunch itself was good. We had playful banter, mostly me questioning her new boyfriend and making jokes about what they have or have not done in the few weeks they’ve been together. I’m happy for Tess. She’s found someone who cares for her and shares the same interests. They told me of their love story, how they volunteered together and how he asked her out when they drove up to San Diego Zoo. We cooed at how cute it all was, him hinting that he likes her more than just a friend, and she noticing, leading to him asking her to be his boo.

After, Park and I decided to go to the mall, tagging behind Cassie and her boyfriend on their date without their knowledge. We simply walked around and went into stores for about an hour. Before we left, he commented that he was surprised we haven’t bumped into Cassie. It made me think about what he wanted from me. We were hugging and holding hands the entire time, so did it mean that he was okay with people knowing about us?

It doesn’t matter anymore because I messed up after.

 

Dinner date.

Friday, January 29.

Park took me out to one of those nice restaurants tonight. He’s been planning this since over winter break, and because of that, I thought he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I did just turn 18 recently after all, so I thought since I wasn’t a minor anymore, he would want it to be official. But I was wrong. The dinner was still good though.

We held hands from the beginning, since when he picked me up at my place, to dropping me off at home. It was sweet. The whole night was sweet. I had this stupid smile on my face, and he asked me why I was so giggly tonight. I wanted to tell him, “You. You make me all giggly and girly and nervous.” I didn’t though, because I didn’t need to say it, and I didn’t really want to. We didn’t talk much on our date, as I predicted, but he was disappointed that we didn’t at the end of the day. I would’ve made more of an effort to get to know him more, but I wasn’t really feeling that well today.

Overall, it was awkward and apart from being around Park, I didn’t really get much from it. Usual first date behavior I guess. I think this would count as our first official date.

Everything wrong about him.

January 2015.

I’m not stupid. I know what I’m doing with Park is wrong, and I should stop it before it gets too far. But I can’t. I’m addicted to how he makes me feel.

And what does he make me feel? He makes me feel like nothing else matters. But it’s not enough to rationalize all this. He’s also all wrong for me, and I can list all the reasons why.

1. I can’t talk freely about anything and everything, because we don’t connect on an emotional level. We don’t have profound talks. Most of the time, when I talk to him, I feel like he’s just responding to what I’m saying instead of actually replying me.
2. He has a carefree attitude about the world, while I care that I do everything right and properly. He half-asses his work, and has a high school don’t-give-a-damn attitude about things, like an immature kid who only cares about making jokes.
3. He doesn’t respect his commitments. He’s always late, like up to an hour, and can be pretty flaky. We had to go to a convention this one time, and he was the designated carpool driver. Guess what? He didn’t make it to carpool and showed up to the convention 3 hours late.
4. He doesn’t have that much ambition. Like I said, he doesn’t really care. He has long term goals like having a family and a stable job, but not really a plan on how to get there. (I don’t by any means mean a day to day timeline, but more like a general idea)
5. He’s not expressive. I never know what he’s thinking, and it’s pretty darn annoying. He hasn’t even ever said that he cares for me like I care for him. He never puts his arms around me in a photo too and it drives me crazy.
6. He’s not a texter. I’m one of those people who actually like texting, and think it’s a much better mode of communication because you can actually think of a thoughtful answer instead of saying the first thing that comes to mind.
7. He just follows my lead. I get that I can be a pretty bossy person. I know what I want. I’m one of those “strong, independent” types and can be pretty intimidating. But I want a guy that can lead the way because after a whole day of doing things my way, I’m tired.
8. He never says the right thing, and it pisses me off like crazy. Is he deliberately trying to make me tear his head off or is that really how he thinks? Because if it’s the latter, we have a problem.

The thing is, this all doesn’t really matter. I read somewhere once that you know someone is right for you when you have a list of qualities of your ideal man, compare it to your special someone, and find that the boxes that he doesn’t check off don’t really matter anymore. I don’t think Park is right for me, or the guy I’m gonna marry, but the fact I still want him despite all the reasons I think he’s totally wrong for me means something. 

Or maybe it’s just hormones or sexual tension. Teenagers, right?

(well, on my side anyway. He’s not a teenager anymore, exactly why I think he needs to grow the fuck up.)

Ugh, I hate how he makes me feel.

Long Distance.

Sundary, January 17.

Oh Park. My dear, sweet Park. We survived the “long distance”. That was what you called it when I met you last December. Park and I texted everyday while I was away on holiday. I woke up to his “Good Morning” texts, and fell asleep to his “Good Night and Sweet dreams”. Three weeks and he’s still here, telling me stories of his childhood days, and describing his (non-existent) vacation at home. But that’s all boring stuff.

The juicy stuff? I don’t have class on Fridays. Neither does he. It seems as if we’ll be spending most of our Fridays together… or so he tells me. Our first Friday together? He took me mini-golfing. Yes, mini-golfing. I haven’t been in ages, probably since I was around 8. I was so giggly and quiet, he asked me why I was acting so differently. Well, I was around him. Duh. I’m horrible at mini-golf, and I wasn’t faking. He put his arms around me to teach me how to do it right. We had our first kiss of the year behind one of those house thingys so no one would see. We were both still kind of sick from the flu at that time, but we really didn’t care. You would later tell me that it was very careless of us, and somewhere along the lines of “You’re such a horny teenager.” Whatever, you know. I kissed him and I liked it.

Guess what we did after mini-golf? We made out. In his car. Cause my dad was home. Go figure. And I liked it.

Everything’s going good. I hope it’ll stay that way.

Good again.

I guess I should explain what happened with Park after all the events that went on last year. I never felt the need to post about it, cause I met up with you and told you all about it in person. And damn, you’re still the same. But this post isn’t about you. It’s about him.

Park and I gradually fell back into our usual rhythm after I told him I didn’t want to be around him as much anymore. It started at this little get together we had with the rest of our team after an event we all planned to wind down. I stayed close to him the entire night. At a certain point, I just couldn’t stand having him so close but distant, pulled him aside, and tried to kiss him. He stopped me and my heart fell. It wasn’t a bad thing I guess (though I didn’t know it at the time) cause he pulled away to check no one was looking, said “not here”, tried to pull me back into the crowd, saw me pout at him, then kissed me anyway. I definitely would have had a make out session with him that night if not for my best friend, who decided to get black out drunk, and left us to take care of her. Park was super sweet that night. He carried her and held her hair back when she threw up as we sneaked our friend back home.

When he took me home, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my hair. I took it as a sign that we were okay again. And we were.

I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Monday, November 2.

I found myself tearing up today. Not because I was sad, but because I was angry. I know that Park talks to my best friend, and although they’re strictly platonic, I can’t help but feel a sudden hatred for her. I snapped at her over text, but it’s so subtle I doubt she noticed. Still, this is getting out of hand. Park and I watched Up yesterday, and had a make-out session afterwards. It was… probably the best one so far and dare I say, got me riled up. I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night, and my thoughts still lingered on him this morning. I swore myself that I need to stop this since I have two exams coming up this week, and vowed to not contact him today. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. I caved.

Yes, I’ve reached that stage where I know I need to back out. I’ve only ever felt this way towards one other person– you. And even then, it’s a different sort of feeling. I felt numb then. I feel rage now. I feel as if I have some claim to him, even though I’m not entitled to one. I’m not his girlfriend, and he never told me that he had any sort of romantic feelings towards me. I’ve already established that although he (sort of but really actually) is my type, (Yes, I do have a type and you are the epitome of the perfect guy in my eyes, but we’re not gonna work out, at least not in the near future, because of obvious reasons.) he isn’t “boyfriend material” in my eyes. I know I keep saying this, but its a very important trait that I just can’t do without. We. Never. Have. Real. Conversations. I bugs me, so much so that I know it’ll never work out in the long run. Then why does my brain insist that I keep coming back to him?

I think I know what it is. I used to have a pattern. When someone gets too close, I feel as if they’re suffocating me, and I can’t help but run away. I let conversations go through a slow decline, until one day, only a ghost no one sees stands on the line between friends and something more. But him, he doesn’t ask anything of me. Through his actions, he makes it clear that I’m just someone he enjoys being around, though he does care for me. I’m waiting for the day he looks at me and professes his undying love or something, but that isn’t fair. I know in my heart that it’s not what I want. This is what I want. This is the very thing that fits. I get my space, and so does he. But lately, I can feel the separation diminishing.

I crave his touch and smiles that are just meant for me. I start feeling jealous, although I know not to worry. I disguise it well, but I’m constantly distracted, letting my thoughts wander and marvel at the newly created memories I just can’t shelf away, or the inklings of what could be if I dare inquire. But I don’t. My best friend told me today that she’s taking a break from one of her guy friends, because she can feel herself too close to falling. I think that’s not too bad of an idea. Can I really go cold turkey like that?

Addictions are very hard to break, but the alternative may be an outcome way worse.

Having Fun.

Wednesday, October 21.

I don’t know what Park and I are doing anymore. We’ve been making out a lot lately, and I’m having fun. We never defined what we are to each other, and I’m okay with that. I just like spending time with him. I like how he makes me feel less stressed out about things and let go.

When I’m with him, I feel like a whole different person. I feel like the never ending to-do list in my head doesn’t seem to go on forever, and that things that I have no control over that seem so important can fade into the background. I know he doesn’t want more from me, and that’s sort of the beauty of it. I’m free.

I never thought I’d ever be the type of girl that doesn’t put feelings into the equation, because without feelings, I never take another step. Maybe that’s why I don’t ever have fun. But who am I kidding? I like him. I must, or else, why does he make me smile, and giggle, and think of him without realizing it?

At this point, it doesn’t matter. I feel happy, and that’s pretty much all that matters. Isn’t it?

What he meant.

Thursday, October 1.

Park and I made up after all the little fights and disagreements we’ve had these past few weeks, which for the purpose of not typing a shitload of stuff nobody wants to read, I will not get into.

Our group of friends went out to dinner yesterday and we joked that we should ask each other the infamous “36 questions that (supposedly) lead to love” because we don’t really know much about each other, despite the fact that we’ve been enjoying each others’ company since the beginning of this year. Lee thought the idea was especially intriguing and he decided that we should start with the one that states, “Tell your partner what you like about them.” We spent the entire dinner making Park go through everyone at the table and telling them what he likes about them. He decided to skip me when it was his turn to tell me what he liked about me and come back to it later. He never did, at least not at dinner, and I let it go.

Later that night, he texted me. He didn’t say much, but it was probably the longest text I’ve ever received from him. He told me that he’s generally happy to see me and that he enjoys my presence. He attributes that to the fact that he can say anything on his mind to me and I won’t judge him for it. I don’t know how he made that assumption since I don’t recall him ever telling me anything remotely interesting or heartfelt. He also wrote, “I know we had our little thing but that was just because I’m immature.” All I thought when I read this was that he regrets kissing me and having our “thing” in the summer. But it could also mean that he admits that we were having fights because he was acting immature…

This has been stuck in my head for hours and I can’t stop smiling and feeling worried at the same time because of it. I didn’t tell you about this, although I very much feel like calling you right now. Maybe you can tell me what he actually meant.

For a guy, Park is very hard to read, that’s all I can say.