I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Monday, November 2.

I found myself tearing up today. Not because I was sad, but because I was angry. I know that Park talks to my best friend, and although they’re strictly platonic, I can’t help but feel a sudden hatred for her. I snapped at her over text, but it’s so subtle I doubt she noticed. Still, this is getting out of hand. Park and I watched Up yesterday, and had a make-out session afterwards. It was… probably the best one so far and dare I say, got me riled up. I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night, and my thoughts still lingered on him this morning. I swore myself that I need to stop this since I have two exams coming up this week, and vowed to not contact him today. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. I caved.

Yes, I’ve reached that stage where I know I need to back out. I’ve only ever felt this way towards one other person– you. And even then, it’s a different sort of feeling. I felt numb then. I feel rage now. I feel as if I have some claim to him, even though I’m not entitled to one. I’m not his girlfriend, and he never told me that he had any sort of romantic feelings towards me. I’ve already established that although he (sort of but really actually) is my type, (Yes, I do have a type and you are the epitome of the perfect guy in my eyes, but we’re not gonna work out, at least not in the near future, because of obvious reasons.) he isn’t “boyfriend material” in my eyes. I know I keep saying this, but its a very important trait that I just can’t do without. We. Never. Have. Real. Conversations. I bugs me, so much so that I know it’ll never work out in the long run. Then why does my brain insist that I keep coming back to him?

I think I know what it is. I used to have a pattern. When someone gets too close, I feel as if they’re suffocating me, and I can’t help but run away. I let conversations go through a slow decline, until one day, only a ghost no one sees stands on the line between friends and something more. But him, he doesn’t ask anything of me. Through his actions, he makes it clear that I’m just someone he enjoys being around, though he does care for me. I’m waiting for the day he looks at me and professes his undying love or something, but that isn’t fair. I know in my heart that it’s not what I want. This is what I want. This is the very thing that fits. I get my space, and so does he. But lately, I can feel the separation diminishing.

I crave his touch and smiles that are just meant for me. I start feeling jealous, although I know not to worry. I disguise it well, but I’m constantly distracted, letting my thoughts wander and marvel at the newly created memories I just can’t shelf away, or the inklings of what could be if I dare inquire. But I don’t. My best friend told me today that she’s taking a break from one of her guy friends, because she can feel herself too close to falling. I think that’s not too bad of an idea. Can I really go cold turkey like that?

Addictions are very hard to break, but the alternative may be an outcome way worse.

(Not so) New Guy.

Friday, September 4.

I think I’m starting to fall for him.

Remember how I told you I craved hearing your voice? Well, now I crave his touch.

So, let’s backtrack a little bit. The “he” I’m referring to is the guy I kissed. For the sake of making everything simpler (because I refuse to tell you his name), I’ll call him Park. Park’s not the type of guy I usually get a crush on. He’s quiet and hard to read. And more importantly, I can’t seem to have an engaging conversation with him, one that requires depth and extensive thought. I guess that’s why I kissed him. I wanted someone I know I won’t fall for, because I don’t want things to be messy. I wanted a guy who wouldn’t ask me where we stand (because I don’t want a boyfriend), and wouldn’t look at me differently. On that front, he is the perfect candidate.

I guess my mistake was that he is in my main group of friends that I see almost everyday. Things aren’t awkward between us, and we don’t really acknowledge that something went on between us before classes started. We went back to normal, though we are closer than before (for obvious reasons). Because I know how it feels to have his arms around me and his lips on mine, added to the fact that I find him cute in the attractive kind of way, I can’t help but start to get a feeling when he’s near. I gravitate towards him. His smiles and the fact that he’s so close to me when we’re hanging out doesn’t really help either.

And gosh, why can’t he be more expressive? The week between the kisses and classes starting, we acted like normal without any hint that something is going on, so much so that I became very insecure that he regretted that we kissed or that he doesn’t care for me, not even a little. It drives me crazy. Do I feel this way because he’s “hard to get”? With the way I’m acting, it seems like it.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. He’s a distraction I don’t have a privilege to entertain.

The Other Girl.

Saturday, August 15.

I spoke to you again last night. It was an impromptu talk, but I think that’s the best kind. You called me as soon as I got home and you told me what has been going on with your life, while I told you what’s been going on in mine. You’ve been feeling really down lately and it makes me feel worried about you. I can hear it in your voice, and later in your face when you skyped me. You kept saying sorry to me that you’re bitching about your life while talking to me, but the truth is, I really don’t mind. I love that you’re comfortable enough with me to show me this side of yours and to tell me what’s really on your mind. I’m just sorry that there’s nothing I can do to take away your pain.

In the middle of all that craziness, you told me about a girl. She’s one of your closest friends, but recently you’ve started to feel something more, and you don’t really know what you’re going to do about it. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel my heart break like I thought I would when this day comes. To be honest, I kind of expected it. You were growing quiet distant lately, and your tweets have a sense of affection in them that can only be for a girl that isn’t me. I’m fine, really. It just amazes me how we can go from such strong feelings two months ago to feeling almost nothing now.

I don’t know what to make of it. I wish you well with this new girl of yours, and I truly hope you find happiness with her. What we have can’t turn into anything anyway, at least for another few years, so it’s best that you move on. But then before you go to sleep, you tell me that I should call you whenever I want, and you’ll pick up, because you said, “you know where my heart lies.” I don’t know if that means you care for me more than you do for her, or if you’re just saying that you’ll always be there for me no matter what.

Either way, I’m glad you’re not alone.

How do you make me feel nothing and everything at the same time?

We don’t talk like we used to anymore. We used to talk like the world will end if we didn’t have an exchange every day. We’d talk about our lives, interests, and dreams, all the time while imagining a world where no distance separates us. I can never run out of things to say to you and it felt like you never did either. I would’ve believed it if you said that I was constantly on your mind, because it felt like I was.

I wouldn’t believe you if you said it now. Our conversations feel rehearsed and thoughtless; you’d tell me about your day and how you’re feeling about it and I’d do the same. We’d say that we’re tired or happy, as if those are the only two choices. It doesn’t give me the same tingly feeling it used to. It feels as if we’re talking about absolutely nothing, and the only reason we bother texting is to let each other know that we’re still alive. But you see, that’s all it takes.

All I need is to know you’re there and I’d be happy just like that. The fact that you took time from your day to reply my message when you have other things you can do in your spare time brightens up my day, even if it’s something that would only take a minute. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t ever take what we have, whatever it is, for granted, and I hope you know that. I won’t ever admit to you that I wait around for your messages just to see your name on my screen, but I do, because you make me feel everything too.

You broke me.

I once told you a true story of a girl very close to me. She lives in the West Coast, with the sunshine and beaches and all the fun in the world. One day, through her many friends, she met an East Coast boy. He was everything she wanted in a guy; he shared the same values, was someone she perfectly related to, and believed in the same things. He wanted her as much as she wanted him- at least that’s what it seemed to her. He cared for her a lot, and their talks would always brighten up her day. She never really told him how she really felt about him. It didn’t matter anyway- they were too far apart to try and make it work. As time passed, they grew closer and closer until she fell for him, so hard that it hurts for her to hear about him with other girls. She just broke. She distanced herself from him as she tried to pick up the broken pieces he didn’t know he left her in. And she never looked back.

You see, I told you this because I never wanted us to have the same fate. You sympathized with them, telling me to help them patch things up. The thing is, I can’t. Their problem was that she just couldn’t take it anymore. She decided that she couldn’t just be an observer while he led his life freely, simply because it hurts too much. I thought we’d never end up like them, because we were different. We know what we mean to each other- it’s just that acting on it right now is not rational.

Acting on it means that we’d have to live with the agony that our significant other is an ocean away, and that physically holding each other is not an option. Acting on it means that sleeping patterns will become erratic, making it impossible to focus on the daily intricacies crucial to be productive. Acting on it means that we’re making our significant other put their life on hold and wait for us, instead of allowing them to live the way people our age should be given the opportunity to.

I don’t ever want to do that- or have the urge to. I strongly believe that our way is the best way to handle this- or so I thought. After all, I don’t feel jealous the way you think I would. Yes, it hurts when I open Instagram and see that you posted a picture with your arms around another girl, but I’m not jealous because you’re with someone else- I’m jealous that I can’t be there with you. But lately, I can feel my walls crumbling down for you, and my head’s need to always have you in my thoughts. You make me feel something I’ve never felt before. My heart actually beats faster when I think you’ve sent me a message; I smile when I see your name light up on my screen; I wake up and sleep thinking of you, and I can’t help but wonder what you’d think of every silly little thing I observe around me during my day.

This is how I know that you’ve broken me.

The girl who I thought would always be careful enough to walk away before anyone gets too close has let someone in, and it hurts the way a broken heart feels- or what I think it would feel like. Why do you have to be so far away from me? You reassure me when you tell me that you miss me and wished things were different; it lets me know that we’re both in the same boat. It doesn’t matter though- I still hurt the same.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I just felt sad because I need you. I know its inaccurate because I need water, food, and oxygen. I actually just want you, but my head refuses to acknowledge the difference. I’m in too deep and I don’t know what I should do. I’m contemplating doing what my friend did and just erase you and pretend you never existed, but I’m scared that it will just break me into more pieces.

Now here I am, sitting on my bed wide awake again well into the night, because I miss you, and I’m on the verge of crying yet again.