Sunday, January 31.
Here’s where it gets awful:
After we went to the mall, we made out, as usual, in his car, and I sort of freaked in the middle of it. Park noticed because we stopped and hugged me and had me lying in his arms. He knows that I have something on my mind and tries to get it out of me. I didn’t want to tell him, I honestly didn’t. But at some point, I thought, what’s the harm?
So I told him. I told him that I felt like he was using me. When he said, “For what?”, I said “This.” He understood that I meant us hooking up all the time, and he whispered “I’m not” before we stayed there in silence, until we somehow decided there’s no point to us hanging out and he took me home. He didn’t look at me once the entire ride, or say anything for the matter. The only time he glanced my way was when I thanked him for the ride and spending the day with me as I opened the passenger-side door. I think he said something to me, but I’m not sure because I closed the door and proceeded to my front door.
The thing is, I know he’s not using me– he’s just not that type of guy. I told you he truly does care for me, and I can tell because of the way he acts around me. He looks at me like he likes me, more than just a friend; i catch him gazing at me all the time. He notices everything about me. He kisses my forehead a lot when we’re alone, and he makes an effort to text me, even though I know he doesn’t really like to. He takes what I say to heart; when I tell him he’s doing something wrong, he listens. But I can’t help but think in this tiny part of my brain that he doesn’t actually care for me the way I think he does. He’s never expressed it in words, and I’ve been feeling like his dirty secret. A little part of me wanted to know how he’d react to what I said.
The bigger part of me, wanted to instigate a conversation with him, where we talked about everything. You know, “the talk.” As you can probably tell, it didn’t go so well. I guess watching and hearing Tess and her boyfriend got me sort of insecure. I thought maybe this was how American relationships work– you eased into it rather than defining everything from the beginning. But it wasn’t that way for Tess. Her boyfriend wanted her and made her his just like that. I know that things aren’t the same for everyone, but it still hurt the way that my love life has turned out. I suspect that’s why I did the passive-aggressive thing and said that even though I didn’t mean it. But it’s too late to back off now.
An hour after I got home, I received a text from Park. I was waiting for it. I know he would apologize.
Sorry for coming off as that sort of guy. I guess from the recent activities we were doing it’s safe to assume that was my original intent. But honestly I didn’t mean it like that.
I replied with a curt “I know”.
To be honest, I’m not satisfied with his apology. I noticed that he never says the right thing. The word “recent” bothered me a lot. It isn’t just the recent stuff that made me think he was using me. It’s how it all started. We kissed when I didn’t really like him and he didn’t care about me. We started hooking up and when I asked what we’re doing, he replied with “just hanging out”. I get that he’s starting to care a lot more for me now, but it doesn’t change the fact that everything we’re doing is tainted by how it all started, and because of that on some subconscious level, it just feels wrong.
He hasn’t replied that text or tried to contact me since then, and at first it was bugging me, and that’s why I started telling this story. But now that I’ve let all of these feelings out, I kind of feel like it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t, because whatever I was doing with Park is over unless we straighten things out.
I mean it this time, I really do.