I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Monday, November 2.

I found myself tearing up today. Not because I was sad, but because I was angry. I know that Park talks to my best friend, and although they’re strictly platonic, I can’t help but feel a sudden hatred for her. I snapped at her over text, but it’s so subtle I doubt she noticed. Still, this is getting out of hand. Park and I watched Up yesterday, and had a make-out session afterwards. It was… probably the best one so far and dare I say, got me riled up. I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night, and my thoughts still lingered on him this morning. I swore myself that I need to stop this since I have two exams coming up this week, and vowed to not contact him today. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. I caved.

Yes, I’ve reached that stage where I know I need to back out. I’ve only ever felt this way towards one other person– you. And even then, it’s a different sort of feeling. I felt numb then. I feel rage now. I feel as if I have some claim to him, even though I’m not entitled to one. I’m not his girlfriend, and he never told me that he had any sort of romantic feelings towards me. I’ve already established that although he (sort of but really actually) is my type, (Yes, I do have a type and you are the epitome of the perfect guy in my eyes, but we’re not gonna work out, at least not in the near future, because of obvious reasons.) he isn’t “boyfriend material” in my eyes. I know I keep saying this, but its a very important trait that I just can’t do without. We. Never. Have. Real. Conversations. I bugs me, so much so that I know it’ll never work out in the long run. Then why does my brain insist that I keep coming back to him?

I think I know what it is. I used to have a pattern. When someone gets too close, I feel as if they’re suffocating me, and I can’t help but run away. I let conversations go through a slow decline, until one day, only a ghost no one sees stands on the line between friends and something more. But him, he doesn’t ask anything of me. Through his actions, he makes it clear that I’m just someone he enjoys being around, though he does care for me. I’m waiting for the day he looks at me and professes his undying love or something, but that isn’t fair. I know in my heart that it’s not what I want. This is what I want. This is the very thing that fits. I get my space, and so does he. But lately, I can feel the separation diminishing.

I crave his touch and smiles that are just meant for me. I start feeling jealous, although I know not to worry. I disguise it well, but I’m constantly distracted, letting my thoughts wander and marvel at the newly created memories I just can’t shelf away, or the inklings of what could be if I dare inquire. But I don’t. My best friend told me today that she’s taking a break from one of her guy friends, because she can feel herself too close to falling. I think that’s not too bad of an idea. Can I really go cold turkey like that?

Addictions are very hard to break, but the alternative may be an outcome way worse.