I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Monday, November 2.

I found myself tearing up today. Not because I was sad, but because I was angry. I know that Park talks to my best friend, and although they’re strictly platonic, I can’t help but feel a sudden hatred for her. I snapped at her over text, but it’s so subtle I doubt she noticed. Still, this is getting out of hand. Park and I watched Up yesterday, and had a make-out session afterwards. It was… probably the best one so far and dare I say, got me riled up. I couldn’t stop thinking about him last night, and my thoughts still lingered on him this morning. I swore myself that I need to stop this since I have two exams coming up this week, and vowed to not contact him today. Surprise, surprise, it didn’t work. I caved.

Yes, I’ve reached that stage where I know I need to back out. I’ve only ever felt this way towards one other person– you. And even then, it’s a different sort of feeling. I felt numb then. I feel rage now. I feel as if I have some claim to him, even though I’m not entitled to one. I’m not his girlfriend, and he never told me that he had any sort of romantic feelings towards me. I’ve already established that although he (sort of but really actually) is my type, (Yes, I do have a type and you are the epitome of the perfect guy in my eyes, but we’re not gonna work out, at least not in the near future, because of obvious reasons.) he isn’t “boyfriend material” in my eyes. I know I keep saying this, but its a very important trait that I just can’t do without. We. Never. Have. Real. Conversations. I bugs me, so much so that I know it’ll never work out in the long run. Then why does my brain insist that I keep coming back to him?

I think I know what it is. I used to have a pattern. When someone gets too close, I feel as if they’re suffocating me, and I can’t help but run away. I let conversations go through a slow decline, until one day, only a ghost no one sees stands on the line between friends and something more. But him, he doesn’t ask anything of me. Through his actions, he makes it clear that I’m just someone he enjoys being around, though he does care for me. I’m waiting for the day he looks at me and professes his undying love or something, but that isn’t fair. I know in my heart that it’s not what I want. This is what I want. This is the very thing that fits. I get my space, and so does he. But lately, I can feel the separation diminishing.

I crave his touch and smiles that are just meant for me. I start feeling jealous, although I know not to worry. I disguise it well, but I’m constantly distracted, letting my thoughts wander and marvel at the newly created memories I just can’t shelf away, or the inklings of what could be if I dare inquire. But I don’t. My best friend told me today that she’s taking a break from one of her guy friends, because she can feel herself too close to falling. I think that’s not too bad of an idea. Can I really go cold turkey like that?

Addictions are very hard to break, but the alternative may be an outcome way worse.

What he meant.

Thursday, October 1.

Park and I made up after all the little fights and disagreements we’ve had these past few weeks, which for the purpose of not typing a shitload of stuff nobody wants to read, I will not get into.

Our group of friends went out to dinner yesterday and we joked that we should ask each other the infamous “36 questions that (supposedly) lead to love” because we don’t really know much about each other, despite the fact that we’ve been enjoying each others’ company since the beginning of this year. Lee thought the idea was especially intriguing and he decided that we should start with the one that states, “Tell your partner what you like about them.” We spent the entire dinner making Park go through everyone at the table and telling them what he likes about them. He decided to skip me when it was his turn to tell me what he liked about me and come back to it later. He never did, at least not at dinner, and I let it go.

Later that night, he texted me. He didn’t say much, but it was probably the longest text I’ve ever received from him. He told me that he’s generally happy to see me and that he enjoys my presence. He attributes that to the fact that he can say anything on his mind to me and I won’t judge him for it. I don’t know how he made that assumption since I don’t recall him ever telling me anything remotely interesting or heartfelt. He also wrote, “I know we had our little thing but that was just because I’m immature.” All I thought when I read this was that he regrets kissing me and having our “thing” in the summer. But it could also mean that he admits that we were having fights because he was acting immature…

This has been stuck in my head for hours and I can’t stop smiling and feeling worried at the same time because of it. I didn’t tell you about this, although I very much feel like calling you right now. Maybe you can tell me what he actually meant.

For a guy, Park is very hard to read, that’s all I can say.

Being Yourself

Wednesday, August 5.

There are so many things I’d tell you about if we had the time, but we don’t, so I’m forced to tell you all of it in here instead. I’ve been debating with myself whether I’m sort of depressed. I’m not, in case you’re wondering. I’ve just been feeling a little blue lately. I just accepted the fact that I don’t really have someone I can tell every single little thing to, and even if I did, I probably don’t want him or her to know exactly what goes on in my head. It’s funny cause I’m somehow willing to tell whoever is reading this right now. No one will read this anyway so I guess it really doesn’t matter.

I’ve recently been told that people don’t really like me. Not all, just some, well maybe most. And this makes me question whether anyone really enjoys my company or if they’re just pretending that they do. I suspect its the latter. This is why I’ve been sort of moping around my room instead of going out the past week, and it makes me think of you more than usual. I keep thinking that you’re actually one of the only people I’m in constant contact with that I know doesn’t feel that way about me. It’s very comforting to know that if I suddenly disappear today, you’d miss me. But that’s beside the point.

I always told myself that people who felt insecure like this is weak, mostly because no one should rely on other’s thoughts and opinions to make their everyday decisions, but I’ve come to a conclusion and I stand by it. “Being yourself” just doesn’t cut it. No one is really themselves, and if they were, they risk upsetting everyone around them. Most people have a filter between who they are and what they show. I used to have that and it worked well for me. But as you know, I moved into a new environment with new people, and I got rid of that because I thought I finally found a space where I can let my true self out. I tried, and failed miserably.

I’ve been reassessing myself and what I should do to become more tolerable. I made a list actually. I’ll share it with you sometime. It’s silly to want to change yourself, but is it so bad if they’re values or characteristics (not physical appearance-wise) that will really make you a better person in others’ eyes? They’re people skills that people should learn, and refusing to acknowledge that just “being yourself” will get you very far is not very realistic. EQ over IQ, you know?

I don’t know whether all this makes sense to someone else other than me.

Maybe I’m just being delusional over all this.