Being Yourself

Wednesday, August 5.

There are so many things I’d tell you about if we had the time, but we don’t, so I’m forced to tell you all of it in here instead. I’ve been debating with myself whether I’m sort of depressed. I’m not, in case you’re wondering. I’ve just been feeling a little blue lately. I just accepted the fact that I don’t really have someone I can tell every single little thing to, and even if I did, I probably don’t want him or her to know exactly what goes on in my head. It’s funny cause I’m somehow willing to tell whoever is reading this right now. No one will read this anyway so I guess it really doesn’t matter.

I’ve recently been told that people don’t really like me. Not all, just some, well maybe most. And this makes me question whether anyone really enjoys my company or if they’re just pretending that they do. I suspect its the latter. This is why I’ve been sort of moping around my room instead of going out the past week, and it makes me think of you more than usual. I keep thinking that you’re actually one of the only people I’m in constant contact with that I know doesn’t feel that way about me. It’s very comforting to know that if I suddenly disappear today, you’d miss me. But that’s beside the point.

I always told myself that people who felt insecure like this is weak, mostly because no one should rely on other’s thoughts and opinions to make their everyday decisions, but I’ve come to a conclusion and I stand by it. “Being yourself” just doesn’t cut it. No one is really themselves, and if they were, they risk upsetting everyone around them. Most people have a filter between who they are and what they show. I used to have that and it worked well for me. But as you know, I moved into a new environment with new people, and I got rid of that because I thought I finally found a space where I can let my true self out. I tried, and failed miserably.

I’ve been reassessing myself and what I should do to become more tolerable. I made a list actually. I’ll share it with you sometime. It’s silly to want to change yourself, but is it so bad if they’re values or characteristics (not physical appearance-wise) that will really make you a better person in others’ eyes? They’re people skills that people should learn, and refusing to acknowledge that just “being yourself” will get you very far is not very realistic. EQ over IQ, you know?

I don’t know whether all this makes sense to someone else other than me.

Maybe I’m just being delusional over all this.