What he meant.

Thursday, October 1.

Park and I made up after all the little fights and disagreements we’ve had these past few weeks, which for the purpose of not typing a shitload of stuff nobody wants to read, I will not get into.

Our group of friends went out to dinner yesterday and we joked that we should ask each other the infamous “36 questions that (supposedly) lead to love” because we don’t really know much about each other, despite the fact that we’ve been enjoying each others’ company since the beginning of this year. Lee thought the idea was especially intriguing and he decided that we should start with the one that states, “Tell your partner what you like about them.” We spent the entire dinner making Park go through everyone at the table and telling them what he likes about them. He decided to skip me when it was his turn to tell me what he liked about me and come back to it later. He never did, at least not at dinner, and I let it go.

Later that night, he texted me. He didn’t say much, but it was probably the longest text I’ve ever received from him. He told me that he’s generally happy to see me and that he enjoys my presence. He attributes that to the fact that he can say anything on his mind to me and I won’t judge him for it. I don’t know how he made that assumption since I don’t recall him ever telling me anything remotely interesting or heartfelt. He also wrote, “I know we had our little thing but that was just because I’m immature.” All I thought when I read this was that he regrets kissing me and having our “thing” in the summer. But it could also mean that he admits that we were having fights because he was acting immature…

This has been stuck in my head for hours and I can’t stop smiling and feeling worried at the same time because of it. I didn’t tell you about this, although I very much feel like calling you right now. Maybe you can tell me what he actually meant.

For a guy, Park is very hard to read, that’s all I can say.

(Not so) New Guy.

Friday, September 4.

I think I’m starting to fall for him.

Remember how I told you I craved hearing your voice? Well, now I crave his touch.

So, let’s backtrack a little bit. The “he” I’m referring to is the guy I kissed. For the sake of making everything simpler (because I refuse to tell you his name), I’ll call him Park. Park’s not the type of guy I usually get a crush on. He’s quiet and hard to read. And more importantly, I can’t seem to have an engaging conversation with him, one that requires depth and extensive thought. I guess that’s why I kissed him. I wanted someone I know I won’t fall for, because I don’t want things to be messy. I wanted a guy who wouldn’t ask me where we stand (because I don’t want a boyfriend), and wouldn’t look at me differently. On that front, he is the perfect candidate.

I guess my mistake was that he is in my main group of friends that I see almost everyday. Things aren’t awkward between us, and we don’t really acknowledge that something went on between us before classes started. We went back to normal, though we are closer than before (for obvious reasons). Because I know how it feels to have his arms around me and his lips on mine, added to the fact that I find him cute in the attractive kind of way, I can’t help but start to get a feeling when he’s near. I gravitate towards him. His smiles and the fact that he’s so close to me when we’re hanging out doesn’t really help either.

And gosh, why can’t he be more expressive? The week between the kisses and classes starting, we acted like normal without any hint that something is going on, so much so that I became very insecure that he regretted that we kissed or that he doesn’t care for me, not even a little. It drives me crazy. Do I feel this way because he’s “hard to get”? With the way I’m acting, it seems like it.

I hope this feeling goes away soon. He’s a distraction I don’t have a privilege to entertain.

First Kiss.

Saturday, August 22.

I just had my first kiss, at seventeen. It wasn’t like a fairytale, and it wasn’t with someone I was particularly into. It just sort of happened. It was with a guy that I didn’t really have an emotional connection with. We went out a couple of times, during which we didn’t talk much. I found him quite cute and enjoyed his company. I didn’t know what his history with girls is, and he didn’t ask for mine. If he could somehow tell it was my first kiss, he didn’t say anything about it.

Of all the things we could have been doing that night, we just happened to be watching Tarzan (Yeah, the disney movie). He put his arms around me and I was leaning on his chest (of course). He leaned in during the movie, but didn’t kiss me – he waited for me to meet him halfway I guess. My heart was beating really fast the entire time and I felt really nervous, like that “butterflies in my stomach” feeling. I knew I was going to kiss him, but the whole notion of actually doing it scared the hell out of me. When I didn’t kiss him, he turned away. He leaned in a few more times before I actually did.

The whole feeling of kissing someone felt weird to me at first. I’ve seen people kiss in movies maybe millions of times, but when the time came, I wasn’t really sure what I should be doing. Somehow, a human instinct took over and I just did. A friend told me once that this would be the case when I was younger and she had her first kiss, but I didn’t think it was actually true. During the kiss, I felt nothing. Is it supposed to feel this way? I didn’t feel like it was particularly nice – no fireworks or anything. Would it have felt different if I was with someone I really liked or maybe even love? I’d say we didn’t have chemistry, but after a little while, it was pretty fun to do. Does this mean I like kissing or that we have chemistry?

If you’re asking me why I kissed him, I think I just wanted to get it over with. I don’t see why it has to be a big deal and I was mostly just curious. I have no idea why I chose him though. He’s a few years older than me, and in my group of friends. Because of this, added to the fact that he isn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want to tell my friends. I feel like they would judge me, and think that what I did was inappropriate (Well, it kind of is…). I know I said I didn’t like telling you about these things, but this seems like one of the important things in a girl’s life, and not talking about it feels wrong. So, I called you. I told myself that if you answered, I’d tell you, but if you didn’t, it’s the universe’s way of telling me I shouldn’t. I didn’t expect you to answer – it was your dinnertime after all.

You didn’t end up answering, and I feel relieved and disappointed at the same time: both because I won’t get to tell you.

It’s better off this way, I think.

I want to preserve the innocent little girl image you have of me in your head.